A Year to Change: Conversations with women on choice, connections, and clarity in midlife

Leslie sent me a note yesterday suggesting I check out this book: A Perfect Mess: The Hidden Benefits of Disorder–How Crammed Closets, Cluttered Offices, and On-the-Fly Planning Make the World a Better Place by Eric Abrahamson and David H. Freedman

Actually, I wrote about the project here when there was something about the project in the NYT in December of last year. I don’t think the book was available then. But maybe I just didn’t look for it. Anyway…

Leslie sent me a link to the book at Amazon. OOOH, the temptation to BUY something new that most certainly will fix all my problems. (NOT!)  But that same evaluation of year end expenses that I talked about yesterday shows me just how much I did spend on random stuff I didn’t really need. I gotta get that under control.

So I thank Benjamin Franklin for invention the public library. And I thank the Baltimore County Library System for having the greatest online system for finding books in their system. I know they HAVE the book in stock and I know it’s checked out. So I’ll wait until it comes back (the due date is also public) and then I’ll go get it.

Thanks for your continuing poke at me to keep working on this project. I guess, in the end, that’s what friends are for!

You know the old story about the spider asking the centipede which foot comes first?… and then the poor creature with too many feet just couldn’t figure out how to move at all.

That’s kinda what I feel like.

There are so many things I could be doing — things I should be doing. But instead, I just fritter away time not deciding. There’s a piece of me that thinks it’s all about the lack of structure. You know … If I just had the right big sign to remind me, or if I could just commit to the change I want to make, then I could get on with doing the great things I think I can do.

Yesterday, Leslie and I were talking about my lack of structure. You know, when you work for yourself alone at home it’s hard to make any kind of structure work. Sure when clients come, then I’m all about that. I have no trouble doing the things I’ve committed to others. But when it comes to my own stuff, it’s so easy to imagine something else is more important.

Ok, so if I don’t want this to turn into a pity party, I have to say something useful.

I noticed a post by fellow Carol Ross over at Ordinary Life, Extraordinary Living, She referenced an article posted in American Family Physician
regarding the stages of change. They note:

Behavior change is rarely a discrete, single event; the patient moves gradually from being uninterested (precontemplation stage) to considering a change (contemplation stage) to deciding and preparing to make a change.

I have to get past the uninterested part where I don’t really care to be bothered to change and then through the ambivalence of deciding which for me absolutely is caused by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things. And when I’ve done those, then maybe I’ll be ready to prepare to change.

Change is a process. I’m stuck right now between several projects.

Maybe I should try to pay attention to my daily money manager who helped me clean up my end of year finances. She suggested I get clear about what I DO want so I can stop being distracted by all the shiny little things that I COULD do if I just decided any one of them was “the” one.

Oh well. Right now I’m stuck in that place.

I appreciate Leslie’s post about the hipster PDA thing. But for now, I can’t decide what to put in it!

I like Mark Forster. I like his attitudes about planning and accomplishing. I like his writing style. I like his book Do It Tomorrow and Other Secrets of Time Management. (Heck the title is enough to put me into some state of hero worship!)
This morning I read this bit about exercise over in his blog at Get Everything Done:

I would really like to develop a way of keeping fit that takes as little effort as possible, and has a high “stickability” factor - something which does not involve gym subscriptions, equipment, boring repetitions, leotards, forcing oneself out into the cold and wet, huge amounts of time, record keeping, instruction books or any of the other paraphanalia of most exercise programmes, even the simplest.

I really like “as little effort as possible!” I like the reports on his use of the “No S Diet” plan (gosh, do you think I’m a fan? And I’ve never even met the guy.) This is what I call a simple diet. The top three steps of the plan are:

• No seconds
• No snacks (three meals a day only)
• No sweets

Here’s the link to the diet originally developed by Reinhard Engels.

I like that the plan is simple. I need simple. I need just a few rules I can follow. (Check out my priority list on my other blog at Map the Future)

Small aside: Don’t even get me started on parents who make up rules for everything so a kid knows what to do in every situation. Note from an old mom: You can’t make enough rules. And kids WILL (selectively) forget them.

So for my own rules:

If I can do a thing before I can think … “Na, I don’t want to do that.”… then that’s a perfect small step. When I read about Mark’s search for a perfect exercise program with low effort requirement, I felt compelled to write again about my own program. I’ve done my mile or so walk in my own living room or kitchen about three times now. Yep, I know that’s not enough – in the three weeks since I started the plan. But it’s better than nothing. And I am encouraged by Mark’s search. Maybe mine will be able to stick.

Read about the specifics of my plan here.

The only equipment I need is my iPod. I could listen to it thru the stereo. But I like that the music goes straight into my brain without being watered down in the air. I have also found it’s best to do the exercise when there’s no one else in the house either to see me dancing like a maniac OR to hear me signing that which I can not hear.

Oh, and I should tell you, I did go back to Ace of Base – a dance mix or something. I like that it’s more than 6 minutes long so I can get into the moving. As they used to say on American Band Stand WAY back in the day, “It’s got a good beat and you can dance to it. I’ll give it a 92. Dick.”

Stay tuned!

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But if you’re not familiar with the concept of the online subscription process. It’s really just a way for the magic of the internet to help you keep track of the sites you’d like to read regularly.
I stumbled on this great explanation by Stephanie Quilao over at the blog Back in Skinny Jeans. She explains RSS (Real Simple Syndication) in Oprah-esque fashion as “Ready for Some Stories.” Sheesh! That makes sense. I couldn’t do any better myself. So I thought I’d just share the info! Thanks Stephanie!

Goals seem terribly elusive to me. I set a goal for myself but if I don’t reach it, what happens? Nothing. So what’s the big deal?

It’s probably a problem for many, if not most, women. When there is someone else involved in the project, then whatever gets done right on time… or maybe just a little late. But when it’s just for me, then it’s a big giant WHATEVER!

So I may have a goal to get my house and my stuff in order for Christmas. But the goal isn’t nearly as final as the deadline. My entire family is coming on Christmas eve. Some of them I haven’t seen in years. And although they are nieces and nephews I just KNOW they will be judging me wanting in the house keeping arena.

So there’s the deadline. I can make a list of everything that must be done between now and next week. I can figure out how to fit all the stuff that must be done into the schedule. And I can figure out what to chuck when the time grows short.

I have a client whose Christmas deadline has passed. If it wasn’t bought, put up or managed by December 12, it’s off the list! I can only bow to her determination. But she’s the one who told me that it’s not a goal to be ready, it’s a deadline.

People with ADHD like deadlines. The adrenaline rush that kicks in near the end that gives us the focus to do the thing. I think that may be what helped me get my list of exercise tunes posted — not the goal of it, but the deadline. I said I’d do it by Friday and I did.

So I’ll see how I do with what must be done by next week and then look for the next deadline.

Happy days to all!

It seems I’m just trying to think about getting control of stuff in my life, but not doing a very good job of actually DOING the things I think I think are important. Is that vague enough?

And maybe that’s just the first step.

Now — this is the part where my husband thinks I might be sharing too much information. But I’m gonna take my chances and hope you really want to make changes, too. We can’t do that if we’re not honest… so here goes:

A couple of facts:

• My habit in the morning is to get up, put on slippers and a robe, come downstairs, make coffee and then check my email. Who KNOWS what important life altering emails might show up in the night?! I definitely NEED to know that stuff! As I’m guessing you know, it sucks down a bit of time.

• I work for myself alone at home, so most of my work is either at the computer or on the phone — neither of which require makeup or Armani suits.

• I have ADHD so when I get into something, it’s often hard for me to switch to something else. Time can just go away while I sit here thinking of something to say here or in any of the other couple of blogs or websites I manage.

• AND, the reason this is important will be apparent next, we live in an old house with only one bathroom… upstairs.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to connect a new habit to an existing one. As a coach I know that’s when it’s easiest. So I figured at the point in the morning where I go back upstairs to that one bathroom, I could commit to getting dressed AND (Oh, my father would be horrified if he knew I wasn’t doing this already) make my bed!

I have to tell you that’s working pretty well, much better, in fact, than my deal with the mail man that he wouldn’t see me in my robe ever again. (He gets to our house around noon!)

So a week or 10 days ago I decided I could add 15 minutes of exercise to that morning routine. Once I had a Leslie Sansone video from the library. I had it for six weeks. Watched it once. But I figured based on that knowledge, this time I could sorta walk around my living room for 15 minutes and it would be better than nothing. One day I did about 10 minutes before a client called. I shoulda known there weren’t even 15 minutes free. Nevertheless …

I could be beating myself up over that. But what’s the point? I did 10 minutes once, and that’s surely better than nothing.

So what I have to find is a way to be successful more often and get used to the new routine.

So here’s what I’m trying next:
I’ll do all that morning stuff that’s working plus just five minutes of walking. Or maybe just one song on the radio or iPod.

Tell you what, in my best coaching accountability process and committing to the tiniest of steps: I promise that by Friday of this week I will have picked the songs I’ll walk to. I’ll post them here. It will be a tiny step.

I have committed to a year to change. But I have to take at least a tiny step or there’s no possibility of success.

Watch the comments link below for my tiny step.

I start where I am. It really is the only choice. Of course, I could wait to start – until I was thinner or richer. But in the words of the great Buckaroo Bonsai (who likely paraphrased them from someone else who I can’t remember) “Where ever you go, there you are.”

So here I am. At the beginning.

I am a 50 year old woman. In fact, I am somewhat older than that, but I can never remember the exact numbers. So I’ll say 50 until I am 60 and 60 til I am 70. It’s just easier that way. And I am all about easy. Perhaps that’s why I must start in my particular beginning.

My three children are grown, more or less, at least they are living on their own, more or less. My husband claims I didn’t raise them, but rather I let them grow up around me. They drop by to see us from time to time, sometimes for dinner, or a beer or just to say “hi.” Sometimes they move back in for a few months, between jobs or roommates. They’re sort of like “room mates with privileges” only in this case the privileges are free meals and a sporadic laundry service.

I manage my life and its many projects all in the same rather haphazard way. If something comes to the top of the pile, it gets attention. If something is “shiny: it gets my attention. Otherwise, the thing can probably wait. As for my children, I hope they’ll figure out for themselves what’s the next step and take it. Today there’s a newsletter and a sponsorship appeal to produce. There is also financial book work to do – my absolute least favorite job in the world expect perhaps raking leaves! Maybe what’s shiny is this post.
So the task of this post about me… and about my particular starting point … is the naming of the thing that should change this year.

I think I have to call it control.

I need control of my stuff. I do not hoard stuff. But I also do not complete the sorting process well. The final decision always seems so final. I think that sometimes that scares me a little. And so I wait. That leaves me with nearly-completed tasks under the heading of general household maintenance. The last of the dishes are clean but not away. In the bottom of the box of papers to be sorted and filed are a couple weird items like a head set for a cell phone, a couple clothes pins, and a glue stick. I’m not exactly sure where they go, so they continue to live with unfilled papers where they clearly do NOT go. And the file box does not ever completely empty.

I need control of my time. I go to the meetings I am supposed to attend. And I am generally prepared for them. Committees are glad to have me a member because I will keep that process moving to completion – unless, of course, the completion is my job and then it may take a bit longer. I do not THINK people see me as perseverating. (It’s a great word, look it up!)

I need control of my weight. I don’t binge. I pick. I should eat more healthy meals, generally choose more carefully what goes in my mouth. But mostly, the biggest problem is that I don’t exercise. When I had a dog, I got out twice a day for a walk, probably a half mile each time. Doctors always said, “Walking the dog doesn’t count. You need real exercise.” I have two things to say to that.. B… alloney! The great advantage of one of those roll up dog leashes is that the human can set a speed to walk and the dog can keep up or not. He can lag behind 20 feet and then run ahead 20 more. And I just keep walking. If he wants to sniff every tree, fine. But when he reaches the end of his rope, he just better pick it up. And now that the dog is gone, pretty much the only exercise I get is going upstairs to the bathroom; we only have one in this old house.

So here we are, my friend Leslie and I, at the beginning of the year making a pact to make a change – make a permanent change – for the better in our lives. Somewhere I read, and I WILL find the reference, that people who have friends who are doing something tend to do the same thing. If one friend exercises, the other will too. If one friend shops, the other will too.

So this must be about the connection. People generally want to be connected to other people. For me, I need to say stuff out loud to be sure I really mean it. Leslie and I have joked over the last 15 years or so that we share a brain. Sometimes it’s hard for the untrained eye to determine just who has it at the moment.

So what I want to be building in this blog is connection:

• to Leslie — for my own personal pleasure. If you follow along, you’ll be able to participate in some amazing conversations and figure out just how things in your world really work (BTW, I’m not talking about electricity. Some things you just have to take on faith!)
• to the commitments she and I have made about what we’ll change in the next year. I think I can only really make a commitment if I have a connection to the out come. It’s possible that that’s perhaps what makes a commitment personal and, therefore, possible.
• to be public in the process. I know, as a coach, that accountability makes a big difference in effecting change. So here, I have accountability to my friend, who in turn has accountability back to me — for the posts we make here and for how these changes manifest in our world. We hope to be modeling this behavior publicly so that perhaps you’ll find your own friend to connect and grow with. Or maybe, you’ll just pretend that WE’RE your friends, too.

I promise this will be an interesting process. Please come along with us.