A Year to Change: Conversations with women on choice, connections, and clarity in midlife

At a certain age, you have to find exercise where you can. I understand that many people go to the mall to walk.  I hate the mall–I’m  pretty much incapable of going in and just buying one thing.  And I hate carrying around a bunch of stuff I don’t need.  But I see people doing the mall walk thing.

HOWEVER, I wish I’d seen this woman doing HER version of mall moving. I might even pull up chair and watch, ’cause I sure won’t be trying it! I’m 50! For goodness sakes!

Check this out!

My whole life I’ve wanted to hear those words: “Kerchner elected president!” As a kid, I thought being president would be the coolest job. I have, lucky for all, seen the error of my ways.

However, while I was waiting in line at the pharmacy Monday afternoon, I heard the news guy talking about the new president of Argentina, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner.

My ears perked right up because when they call her by her last name, they call her Kirchner. HEY, that’s the same as my last name at birth. OK, so it’s spelled differently. But when you hear it, it’s definitely the same. So you can imagine that I was kinda excited to hear about her win.

But here’s what got me. I believe I heard Lou Dobbs repeat AT LEAST THREE TIMES, that “Kirchner is remarkably bright and beautiful.”

I must confess that when I checked the transcript from CNN. It shows only: “That’s an interesting report on Cristina Kirchner, remarkably bright, attractive woman.” So maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he did say it only once. Maybe I was so surprised that the words got stuck in instant replay only in my brain… and maybe the transcripts aren’t really every single word spoken?

She is beautiful. I’m sure we are twins separated at birth. I’ll have to ask my mom about that. See for yourself…

Here’s the Argentine Kirchner

and here’s me
If you squint and the pictures are small enough, we’re nearly identical, doncha think?
But I digress.

Kirchner just got elected president of a whole freakin’ country! I hope she’s more than remarkably bright. (I, too, am more than remarkably bright. Hmmm, another reason to think we’re twins?)

Dictionary.com defines remarkable as “notably or conspicuously unusual; extraordinary.” Why is it conspicuously unusual that a woman is bright? Or is this to imply that it’s unusual that an Argentinean woman is bright? Man, I am NOT going there!

Look, I must admit that I don’t know a whole lot about Argentina. But I hear they have pretty many “issues” down there, issues that will probably require a person a whole lot more than just bright—even remarkably bright–to run the country.

I wonder if they ever called the president of the US remarkably bright… I mean ANY president. It seems condescending to me.
People might be surprised to find that some athletes are remarkably bright. Our culture doesn’t expect them to be smart. There is certainly nothing precluding the possibility of brilliance. The ads during the Final Four basketball games highlight the scholar athletes who will probably not go on to pro ball, but who just might discover a cure for cancer.So why are people surprised that women in power are smart? I’m sure some women get power in less than admirable ways. (Some men do, too.) But why can’t the media figure out what to do with the smart woman stories? When Nancy Pelosi became Speaker of the House, they talked about her wardrobe. They talk about Condoleezza Rice’s hair styles.

Did the press talk about how cute JFK was? They sure didn’t announce it on the 6 o’clock news! My friend Mary Klotz says, “They didn’t need to. Everybody knew it!”

I wish I had the opportunity to meet Lou Dobbs in person. I think I might like to screw a light bulb into his head and see if might BECOME “remarkably bright!” Maybe he could become a shining example to the rest of the media.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve decided that getting my financial situation in line is just about my most important goal… behind tending to my family and keeping my own talents stoked, of course. I’ve even noticed my youngest son asking more questions about saving money and preparing for his future. I’ve been watching as friends and clients try to get a handle on some kind of budget for themselves and for their businesses.

Sunday I noticed an article in the Baltimore Sun called “Getting dressed for less,” by Gregory Karp about budgeting and saving money. He was talking about a plan for saving money on buying clothes for adults.

The bottom lines are these:

• At this minute, you probably have enough clothes. Most of us do.
• Consider what you have and plan what you need. Don’t just pick what looks “pretty.”
• If you need something, shop second hand places way before department or specialty shops. That is thrift stores and yard sales and then consignment shops before going to retail closeout places — like TJ Maxx — AND THEN department stores, etc.

Then I noticed this morning over at 9:01 am that for the first time, apparel sales beat computer sales online. So people are buying more clothes on line than they are buying computers on line.

Geeks have always bought computer stuff on line. But RAM is RAM. It either fits or it doesn’t. But moms are catching on. Stuff comes in a box and you at least imagine you’ll send it back if you don’t like it.

And so now, if it’s so easy to do, how to you maintain some level of control over shopping for stuff you don’t really need and can’t even see or feel?

What happens when the box comes and you’re embarrassed to have spent the money. You can’t bear to open the box so it gets shoved under the bed…

I’m not saying *I* do this.. but what happens to the people who do?

It just seems to easy to get out of control.

I long for the “one walk dog.” But I know it’s just a myth. I want to do a thing and have it be over and done with so I can go on to the next thing.

My grandmother told me “once and done.” I always hoped it applied to dishes and laundry, but no. She also said: “It’s better dusty than broken.” But it would seem from the disdain on my husband’s face just before he prints the date in the dust with his finger, that she was probably wrong about that, too.

So if there is so much that must be done over and over, If there is so much that can never be truly done, what is the point of bothering at all?

I want one marketing idea and that should work. I want one idea that is also the best idea to get rich quick. and yes, I DO want to get rich quick. I also want to do the work it takes, as long as it’s something I love.. and that’s not walking the dog!

I go to see my acupuncturist every other week. I feel like I’m getting my money’s worth when I feel the stick. (Personally, I feel bad for people who don’t feel anything at all. Where’s the fun in that?!) I am definitely feeling less agitated than I have other times in similar situations. And that’s a good thing for me AS WELL AS the people around me. She tells me that the treatments are part of a process, not a one shot deal. I have also learned, to my great disappointment, that they can’t just stick a pin in you and let out all the extra weight you wish you didn’t have. Now THAT would be medicine!

Maybe my search for that one-walk-dog is really a search for an activity that only feels like a once and done. When I love what I do, I don’t really care how often I do it. I’m only bothered by bordem when the thing fails to engage me.

I am an adult. I do know that there is work involved in doing anything well. But some of that should feel like the play that Ned Hallowell suggests is part of the process of being happy in life.

And maybe my flailing is just about my inability to decide on what ever is MY next big thing.

Stay tuned friends, I’m confident something is bubbling up.

If you tried to comment before and couldn’t figure out how…
well, it might have been our fault.

We’ve flipped some switches… and made it MUCH easier for you to post your comments.

We’re sorry for the problems that we didn’t really know we were having.

We hope we’re all better today.

I’m in California for a few days.  Things really are different here.  I watched my friend have a Thai massage and I got some interesting advice from the woman who did the work.

She says, “If you want to change, you will. If you don’t want to change, you won’t.”

So what is the magic pill, the button, the miracle, that will make me know that the change I’m talking about is necessary, right and good?  What will make me quit talking and do the thing?

We talked about that little sort of “mother tone” of judgment in my head –  that voice that really means “you better….”
But that wasn’t in her voice.  For her it was just a statement of fact.  People just do what they want to do. I do know that’s true, especially for me!

Her experience with aging parents gave her a glimpse into her future that did not include strong and independent people. She didn’t want that life. “I want to be able to open jars when I’m 90.”

In my experience old people (OK, oldER people – my mother would not want to be said to be OLD!)  Let me start again: the next generation of people in my family did what they wanted to be doing, pretty much until they died.  So  I don’t have her model of frail old people to use as an anchor in my future.  They won’t be the compelling picture that gets me moving toward change.

And while I have reason to believe that I’m  less fit now than I was 20 years ago, and I have reason to believe that without any change, I’ll be worse off at the end of the next 20 years, I don’t necessarily think that will be a bad place — even if it should be! Getting old does not seem scary to me.

So I’m thinking, maybe I don’t want to make my changes clearly enough.

It’s not about badly enough.. just clearly enough.  What really is on the other side of diet and exercise?

If I don’t know what I’ll get from changing my life, if I don’t even know what I want from changing my life, then why bother to do any work to make the change?

In terms of weight and exercise, if there is no specific reward on the other side of the experience, it’s easy to put off the doing. I’m guessing there will be no reason to maintain the adjustment.  It won’t stick.  And I hate doing work for no good reason.

So I’m working now on figuring out my own compelling reason for change.  What will I really get when I can trust my body to do what I want it to do?

I’m thinking  her reasons. That’s why her health things are working.. ok, maybe not the cigarettes.. but the other stuff.

This morning, I read the obituary of a woman I do not know. Edda M. Jakab.

It was the caption under her picture that drew me in.

“At age 17, she took a day off from high school to wed, returning to class the next day as a married woman.”

She died at age 61 still married to that man. Her husband said she was “fond of finding beauty in the ‘necessary journey’ – an Emersonian phrase that captured the long road she traveled.”

The moment of decision might well be an on or off sort of place, but the change I’m interested in is long term change — better diet, better health, better connection … for the rest of my life not just for this second.

I think we all understand, intellectually, that change is a process, a journey. And, yes of course, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step… right, right, right.

But, in fact, that’s just a beginning.

Change happens whether we choose it or not. We get older, things happen to us and to others that require adjustments. But that change might be more of the kind that gets me somewhere, just not necessarily where I want to be.

And I’m 50. I get to choose! For cryin’ out loud!

So what I’m struggling with in my personal journey is making the right choice about where I want to go.

My acupuncturist reminds me that I don’t have to make a single choice for all eternity. I just have to make a choice — from the hundreds of ideas I have –  for right now. Choose something for which I have passion and the rest of the stuff will sort of find its own place.

How are you figuring out where you want to go?

If you have even an inkling of an idea, I’d sure like to hear it.

Thanks.

Once upon a time when I was revising my resume, I put in for a life goal: to be rich and famous, famous first. My DearHusband said I couldn’t do that. Employers just wouldn’t get the joke. But I want people to know who I am and what I do. And I thought it would be great fun. I still think it would be great fun.

But yesterday I realized the one question I never actually answered is this:

What do you want to be famous FOR?

Sheesh, I’m really not sure. I have lots of ideas, lots of possibilities. But pick one and make a plan to have it happen…. Yea…that’s where I seem to get stuck.

I’ve signed up to be part of Andrea Lee’s Multiple Streams of Coaching Income club. The first think I have to do is make a post of my commitments. That means I have to choose at least one thing I want to work toward this year.

I have to say one thing I want to get know now for.
And so, I’m stuck.

Sometimes I get all stuck in my own problems. I guess everyone does from time to time. I worry that I’m not doing, or completing, the tasks I’ve set for myself. I’m wasting time or resources or something. That kind of thinking spirals me down into that nose to the grindstone, shoulder to the wheel position that, even as the old joke goes, makes it impossible to actually work.

So sometimes I know there is value it standing up straight, looking around and reflecting on where I’m really headed.

For me it has to be about more than just Leslie’s Job 1. When someone gives me directions to a new place, first I want to know the address. I must know where I’m headed before I can begin to process the directions from here to there.

I also have to believe there is some value at the destination otherwise it’s easy to put it off and put it off, never starting and certainly never getting there.

So, I’m working to get clear on my destination. What do I want? Because I know that then, and only then, can I figure out how to get it.

Geez, I hope this is progress.

Leslie sent me a note yesterday suggesting I check out this book: A Perfect Mess: The Hidden Benefits of Disorder–How Crammed Closets, Cluttered Offices, and On-the-Fly Planning Make the World a Better Place by Eric Abrahamson and David H. Freedman

Actually, I wrote about the project here when there was something about the project in the NYT in December of last year. I don’t think the book was available then. But maybe I just didn’t look for it. Anyway…

Leslie sent me a link to the book at Amazon. OOOH, the temptation to BUY something new that most certainly will fix all my problems. (NOT!)  But that same evaluation of year end expenses that I talked about yesterday shows me just how much I did spend on random stuff I didn’t really need. I gotta get that under control.

So I thank Benjamin Franklin for invention the public library. And I thank the Baltimore County Library System for having the greatest online system for finding books in their system. I know they HAVE the book in stock and I know it’s checked out. So I’ll wait until it comes back (the due date is also public) and then I’ll go get it.

Thanks for your continuing poke at me to keep working on this project. I guess, in the end, that’s what friends are for!