A Year to Change: Conversations with women on choice, connections, and clarity in midlife

This afternoon my brawny stagehand son was teaching my brawny Marine nephew the finer points of whipping cream by hand for the strawberry shortcake that was their grandmother’s birthday cake.  My almost-daughter-in-law and I just got out of the way.

While the “boys” were whipping cream, my now 76-year old mother was on the deck explaining to my ex-husband, my brother and his wife that the ducks that currently inhabit her waterfront must be homosexuals, since there are no female ducks.  This - of course - does not explain the appearance of baby ducks.  She doesn’t have any problem with that apparent contradiction in her thinking. 

My Donald is working in Detroit at the moment.  I hope that when I tell him these stories, I can give them a “you were there” feel!

Clearly not the Cleavers.

I’ve been reading a lot recently about women-in-their-middle-years (I guess that means post-menopausal, a period in one’s life formerly referred to as “middle aged”) who are “re-inventing themselves”. 

And I find myself reacting oddly to the Dennis Hopper television commercials for some financial services company’s retirement planning services.  Hopper looks intently and Hopperesquely into the camera and says firmly and boldly:  “Your dreams are now.” 

Finally, there are the cialis/levitra/whatever ads that talk about “when the time is finally right” and the ads end up with the couple relaxing separate-and-apart in adjacent clawfoot bathtubs that are in some meadow overlooking the horizon.  I am confused as to whether or not the time was EVER right for that particular dosage!

These three thoughts are connected to a concept of endless and fairly limitless possibility.  It’s almost as if we can reconnect to all of the bright potentials from our youth with enough money, the right drugs, through the right re-design.  Life 5.0, perhaps?  What’s Jane Pauley doing these days?

I’m wondering if re-inventing is really about re-imagining.  Those imagination muscles may be the most atrophied of all.  What’s the process for getting one’s imagination back into shape?

As always, suggestions welcome!

Susan Reimer’s column in The Sunpapers this morning gave lots of reasons why women delay having a mammogram. Read all of that faulty thinking and dangerous logic here.

I won’t rant, or go into what Kerch calls “the full Leslie.” I will however say that there are really only two reasons why smart women don’t get regular mammograms: Fear and Stupidity.

Ms. Reimer ultimately posits that money and pain are the chief reasons why women don’t get regular mammos. To which I say: having a baby was expensive and giving birth hurt, but we did that. Isn’t your own life worth the same?

Clearly I feel very strongly about this, given that I am a breast cancer survivor since 2000 and my early stage cancer was detected by a mammogram. I was 46 (which is “young” by breast cancer standards). And while we’re on the subject, colonoscopies fall into the same category.

If you’re smart and you want to live, you do what you can, right?

Just do it. Now.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve decided that getting my financial situation in line is just about my most important goal… behind tending to my family and keeping my own talents stoked, of course. I’ve even noticed my youngest son asking more questions about saving money and preparing for his future. I’ve been watching as friends and clients try to get a handle on some kind of budget for themselves and for their businesses.

Sunday I noticed an article in the Baltimore Sun called “Getting dressed for less,” by Gregory Karp about budgeting and saving money. He was talking about a plan for saving money on buying clothes for adults.

The bottom lines are these:

• At this minute, you probably have enough clothes. Most of us do.
• Consider what you have and plan what you need. Don’t just pick what looks “pretty.”
• If you need something, shop second hand places way before department or specialty shops. That is thrift stores and yard sales and then consignment shops before going to retail closeout places — like TJ Maxx — AND THEN department stores, etc.

Then I noticed this morning over at 9:01 am that for the first time, apparel sales beat computer sales online. So people are buying more clothes on line than they are buying computers on line.

Geeks have always bought computer stuff on line. But RAM is RAM. It either fits or it doesn’t. But moms are catching on. Stuff comes in a box and you at least imagine you’ll send it back if you don’t like it.

And so now, if it’s so easy to do, how to you maintain some level of control over shopping for stuff you don’t really need and can’t even see or feel?

What happens when the box comes and you’re embarrassed to have spent the money. You can’t bear to open the box so it gets shoved under the bed…

I’m not saying *I* do this.. but what happens to the people who do?

It just seems to easy to get out of control.

I long for the “one walk dog.” But I know it’s just a myth. I want to do a thing and have it be over and done with so I can go on to the next thing.

My grandmother told me “once and done.” I always hoped it applied to dishes and laundry, but no. She also said: “It’s better dusty than broken.” But it would seem from the disdain on my husband’s face just before he prints the date in the dust with his finger, that she was probably wrong about that, too.

So if there is so much that must be done over and over, If there is so much that can never be truly done, what is the point of bothering at all?

I want one marketing idea and that should work. I want one idea that is also the best idea to get rich quick. and yes, I DO want to get rich quick. I also want to do the work it takes, as long as it’s something I love.. and that’s not walking the dog!

I go to see my acupuncturist every other week. I feel like I’m getting my money’s worth when I feel the stick. (Personally, I feel bad for people who don’t feel anything at all. Where’s the fun in that?!) I am definitely feeling less agitated than I have other times in similar situations. And that’s a good thing for me AS WELL AS the people around me. She tells me that the treatments are part of a process, not a one shot deal. I have also learned, to my great disappointment, that they can’t just stick a pin in you and let out all the extra weight you wish you didn’t have. Now THAT would be medicine!

Maybe my search for that one-walk-dog is really a search for an activity that only feels like a once and done. When I love what I do, I don’t really care how often I do it. I’m only bothered by bordem when the thing fails to engage me.

I am an adult. I do know that there is work involved in doing anything well. But some of that should feel like the play that Ned Hallowell suggests is part of the process of being happy in life.

And maybe my flailing is just about my inability to decide on what ever is MY next big thing.

Stay tuned friends, I’m confident something is bubbling up.